Talking Through the Middle Years
By Louise Hajjar Diamond

Think back to your preteen and early teen years for a moment. Recall how important it was to be accepted by your peers. To be unique while still fitting in the group. Remember wanting your parents support and approval yet expecting them to know instinctively when to back off? Now you're the parent, and although you're not new at this, there are probably moments you're as confused as your preteens are in dealing with their emotions and behaviors. What are parents to do when their children suddenly act so differently? How can we ensure that our young teens will always tell us when something is wrong instead of turning to peers?

As a middle school counselor, I talk to parents each day who are seeking ways to know their children better and guide them appropriately. Parents fear they will miss something their children are experiencing and lose them to negative influences. As a counselor and parent, I constantly explore reasons why some kids suffer more emotional scars than others on the journey through adolescence. The factor with the most impact seems to be the unconditional love and consistent support from at least one parent or caretaker. Another crucial factor is the adolescent's ability to like himself or herself.

We must accept the fact that the preteen and early teen years are difficult for kids, parents and educators. These years are hard even in the best family environment. The three most important things you can do to guide your children through these turbulent times are to model appropriate behavior, listen to your children and know all about them.

Model good behavior. From the beginning of life, children imitate their parents. This includes everything from learning language to developing values. Modeling appropriate behavior is probably 90 percent of parenting. Parents who value people, the law, the importance of education and honesty will most likely have children who value these things. Parental example is one of the best teaching tools we have. Adolescents who feel good about themselves and their home life will be far less likely to turn to gangs or other destructive peer situations.

Listen to your kids. Listen without interrupting. Listen without judgment. Try to understand their points of view even if you don't agree with them. Validate their feelings. Let them know it's OK to be confused or angry. Discuss feelings of anger without judgment. Guide your children toward appropriate anger-releasing outlets, such as exercise, talking or writing in a journal. Let them know your behavior expectations. Set realistic rules and consequences to live by, such as bedtimes and curfews. Don't threaten or promise something that is out of your control, such as the actions of other adults in the child's life.

Know your kids. Most 11 to 15 year olds arc a lot of fun to talk to individually. They can reason and understand humor. However, they see the world egocentrically. You may need to remind them to see others' points of views. Give encouragement and support healthy choices and interests. Know how they spend their time when they're not with you. Talk to them about what music, sports and hobbies they like. Talk to your kids about their friends without being too critical. Make sure the parties they attend are appropriately chaperoned. Let your kids know the things you don't approve of them doing, such as smoking, drinking, having sex, engaging in violent behavior or taking drugs. Don't assume they understand the consequences of these things at their age. Encourage them to come to you even if they make a mistake.

Parenting is a balancing act from the very beginning. But providing a good example, communicating daily and really knowing your kids as individuals can make the difference between your child's success and happiness during these challenging years. It may be encouraging to know that parents do remain the biggest influence in their kids lives, even through the teen years. Give them unconditional love and guidance and enjoy them.

Louise Hajjar Diamond is a school counselor in Florida, a freelance writer and mother of two.

For more information:

Teen species
http://tlc.discovery.com/convergence/teenspecies/teenspecies.html

Caught in the Middle: Tips for Parents
www.caughtinthemiddle.org/tips.htm

Supporting Your Adolescent: Tips for Parents
www.ncfy.com/supporti.htm

Parent Involvement at the Middle School Level
www.middleweb.com/Parntlnvl.html

To contact Ms. Zea:
· By e-mail: azea@cm.edu.gt
· By phone: 365-0037 or 365-4817 (ext. 115).
· At her office: SP-2